There is a lot of discussion right now about the importance of saying no, especially when it comes to reducing stress and burnout.  Learning to prioritize yourself, setting boundaries, saying no to things that don’t fuel you or work for you is important.  I agree with that wholeheartedly, and I also feel that sometimes what will fuel you, reduce your stress and give you energy is the opposite of that – it’s saying yes, to the right things.  

The trick is, how do you know when it’s time to say yes or time to say no? 

I’m still learning this too, and I challenged myself this year to “be open to being a yes”.  After nearly two years of social distancing, I’ve gotten very comfortable with saying no.  My couch and I have become glued together and we’re practically best friends, so it will take a lot for me to leave it.  Especially if the opportunity will pull me out of my comfort zone and safe cocoon.  

By being open to being a yes, I stay curious longer.  When my instincts kick in, usually protective, and often hollering “no, stay home!”,  I sit with them a minute and figure out why I want to say no. 

I’m learning to say yes when there is an opportunity to bond, to learn, to grow, in short, to feel more alive, and when the reasons to say no are to keep me feeling comfortable and to avoid any uncertainty or social anxiety.  

Here are some examples:

Earlier this summer, I was given an opportunity to play in a golf tournament for nonprofit staff.  Two years ago, when invited to a golf tournament, I said “No”.  I wanted to say no this time.  But I was challenging myself to be open to being a yes so I sat with it for a minute.  The longer I sat with it, the fears started spooling out:

• I don’t know how to play golf. 
• Not only that, but I had taken a group lesson four years before and had been BAD at it.
• The tournament was a networking event and everyone would see how bad I was.  They might think that my bad playing was representative of women or Girl Scouts.

Once I sat with those fears, some other things bubbled up: 

• Being outside on a gorgeous day fuels me.  
• Spending time with good people, walking and talking, fuels me. 
• I also considered that the lesson I’d taken four years ago might not have been an empowering one, and possibly I might do better with a new teacher, and in a group of Girl Scouts?  
• And speaking of Girl Scouts, I was excited to walk our talk, and to be courageous and try new things, just like we encourage our girls to do.

I said “Yes” to the golf tournament.  Three of us in our 4 woman team were new golfers and we took a lesson together ahead of time.  We were a supportive circle, trying something new and cheering each other on.  On the day of the tournament, with our one seasoned golfer, our mighty team held our own.  Sure, experienced teams passed us and we didn’t finish the full course, and we had to outrun a fox that stalked us to steal our snacks (true story), but it was fun, and each of us had moments where we shone. 

I tried this approach again when my husband David asked me to go sailing with him which I had never done before.  It was $25 which was doable, and we’d be sailing with a seasoned sailor, and with our neighbors and fellow students from his American Sailing Association (ASA) 101 certification class.  David received a gift certificate for the ASA 101 class for his birthday and he was excited to share his new hobby with me.

My instincts went into protective mode. I love the water and I love being in boats, but I could feel a big “no” brewing.  My father drowned in a boating incident when I was 6 months old, and I have a deep appreciation for the dangers of boating.  Being in a little boat, with amateur sailors, ropes, and possibly being asked to do something skilled and “sailory” with no idea what I was doing – none of this sounded relaxing and serene at all.  It sounded stressful.

I could have said no and been content at home with my couch BFF and the remote all to myself, and it would have been valid.  Because of my challenge to myself, I sat with the feeling a bit longer.  Yes, there was a lot that was scary. And, there were some opportunities that might be worth it. I do really love the water.  Being out in the middle of Lake Erie would likely be beautiful.  I’d also been curious about sailing, and it was a new thing to try.  And, it could be a bonding experience with David who really wanted me to go with him. 

I said yes to sailing.  And I loved it – it was one of the best nights of my summer.  By saying yes I got to experience the invigorating breeze on my face, the sails flapping in the wind, the pink hue of the sunset, and the sparkling view of the city lights of Buffalo.  I also got to drive the boat for a bit, and helped hoist one of the sails.  I had an adventure.

These are two examples of times I’ve said yes, and I’ll balance that with a recent time that I said “no”. 

I recently said no to attending a board meeting.  That may sound like an easy decision but this was my final board meeting after serving for nine years.  I wanted to be there. I wanted to complete my third term fully and to say goodbye and to feel the sense of completion.  

I was traveling for a work conference in Arizona and although I could zoom into the meeting the thought filled me with angst.  

It was already stressful traveling during the pandemic, it was a busy time at work, and after being home so much, I felt anxious leaving my family and dog.  

It was my first trip to Arizona and leaving a day early gave me the time to see the desert and vistas.  I was excited to reunite with my colleagues from around the country.  The prospect of sitting in a hotel room for two hours on my laptop during my free evening didn’t sound good, especially as I’d be exhausted after traveling since 4:30am.  

I struggled with saying no because I didn’t have what I would have considered a “valid” reason – like a family emergency or childcare issue.  The reason was valid though. My reason was to prioritize my energy and my mental health.  Participating in the meeting on top of everything else felt like too much. I knew I needed to rest and to have down time.  

I said “no” to the board meeting.  I emailed my questions and thoughts on the board packet ahead of time. I offered to join for the first 15 minutes for a vote and then I would turn off my computer, go outside and be fully present where I was.  They understood and even surprised me by sharing appreciation for my service early in the meeting while I was on.  It filled my cup to join them, and then filled my cup to leave and be present where I was, being with my colleagues, and resting and relaxing in the beautiful Tucson air.

So back to the question – how do you know when to say yes or to say no?  

I took a class recently that said to look at your energy as deposits and withdrawals, and for anything that drains your energy, for example, a full day of zoom meetings, it’s important to then replenish your energy, like resting, hiking, talking with your friends, volunteering, whatever works for you.   Looking at your energy this way can help in learning when to say yes and when to say no.  You’re the best expert on what fuels you and what drains you.

I am an introvert, someone who loves alone time, to write, read and watch movies, and also a social being who loves my family and loves adventure.   This can take some balance since many of the things I want to do and can be good for me, can also deplete me of energy at the same time.  I feel lifted up by spending time with people, but my introverted and socially anxious side will want to start retreating at some point.   Consider me someone who wants to be invited to your party, will be friendly and meet new people, and then will hightail home within one to a few hours.  And if we’re being honest, even better than going to your party would have been just you and me hanging out at a coffee shop or going for a walk.  

I started seeing a counselor in spring 2020 and with her, I’ve been learning how to better set boundaries. I’m learning and practicing to say no when I need a break, no to things that will drain me, no to things that I’m not interested in, no to things that aren’t a priority for me and my family. And that includes saying no at times in work and in volunteer roles, and no to people I care about too.

In learning to say no, I’m creating space and energy to be open to saying yes.  Yes to what will fuel me, yes to what is aligned with my values, yes to what gives me purpose, yes to helping my friends and family, and yes to adventure.

I challenge you this week to be open to being a yes.  Pay attention to times you automatically want to say no to a new opportunity or adventure.  Sit with those feelings for a minute and see what opens up for you.  You never know if an adventure is awaiting!